Pers / xHamster Issues Global Casting Call for Trump Actor
Porn Company Plans to Dominate the Trump Parody Porn Segment and Needs THE Trumpest Performer on the Planet.
Today xHamster, one of the world’s largest adult entertainment sites, has issued a casting call around the world for the man to play Donald Trump in their planned 4-year series of pornographic parodies of the administration.
“The Trump transition has been turbulent for all of us. We apologize for the delay in getting out this request,” said Alex Hawkins, spokesperson for xHamster. “There is nothing more that the American public needs that quality adult content parodies to help them understand the ever shifting landscape of their Executive Branch of government.”
Ideally, qualified applicants would have a unique hairstyle that closely matches that of the 45th President of the United States. Additionally, this performer would need to be in the ‘best health of any actor to do porn,’ to have even more in common with the President-elect, whose own physician said that Trump is the ‘healthiest person to run for President in history.” Additional qualifications include the ability to make incredible deals, and bring the HUGE-ness (or “YUGE” in the parlance of Trump) of the President-elect to the small screens and tablets of our consumers.
Optional characteristics of this performer include: having small hands, “not having a problem, down there,” and an affinity for walls (glory hole optional in the wall). The ability to harness both Trump’s complete understanding of all issues without any actual knowledge of an issue, is also an optional trait.
How do you apply?
Please send a non-adult oriented video of yourself, dressed and in Trump-esque character to email@example.com. From there, we will post submissions to our website and allow our users to select which lucky individual will be xHamster’s official Trump for the duration of the Presidency. We plan to announce the winner the day before President Trump’s first Address to a Joint Session of Congress, often referred to as the State of the Union. This election will be determined by the popular vote. We will not be using an electoral college system to determine the winner of this vital election.
The selected will receive the Twitter handle: @realxHDonaldTrump in order to interact with voters and fans across the globe.
Following the successful casting of the newly elected President Trump at xHamster, we will conduct similar competitions for key members of his inner circle: ex-wifes, family members (of legal age), cabinet officials, and judicial nominees.
“This won’t be easy, but it will be HUGE,” continued Alex. “There is no margin for error if xHamster is going to provide the world with the real (parody) story of the next 4 years, which will be best to watch from the privacy of your bedroom or bathroom.”